Ever since I gained back the weight I lost in Iraq, I've been snoring more than I ever have and Gena says that I stop breathing sometimes for about 30 seconds at a time before I gasp for air and wake myself up. This snoring keeps me from ever going into a deep sleep so even if I am in the bed for 8 hours or more, I never feel rested in the morning. This has been causing some dangerous problems. I work in East Bernard, which is 45 minutes from my house, and in that driving time I tend to fall asleep about 3 or 4 times per trip....not good while you are driving I hear. I've never had an accident because of this, but I've been pressing my luck for too long now, and decided that I should listen to Gena and participate in a sleep study to see if anything could be done about my snoring.
We made an appointment for Friday night and I met a guy named Darrin, the Doctors assistant, at the hospital in Webster at 9pm. He was busy with another patient so I sat in the room watching the Astros as I waited for him to return. The Astros won the game in the bottom of the 9th with a ground rule double by Tejada and a single to center by Hunter Pence...nice! Darrin returned to the room and said that I could go ahead and get ready to sleep by changing or using the restroom, whatever I needed, and he again left me alone. I changed and sat down to read. At about 10:30pm he returned and had me sit on the bed while he got the equipment ready to monitor me while I slept. The first thing he did was take what he called "liquid sandpaper" and scrubbed different spots on my head, face and chest to attach the wires to. Then he took one end of each colorful wire and coated it in some sort of goop and stuck it to the spots he previously scrubbed. After scrubbing my skin off, gooping the wire and smashing it onto my head, he then proceeded to cut small pieces of medical tape and stick it to my head as well, covering whatever hairs were nearby and making me think of how it would feel when the mixture of tape and goop were removed in the morning.
After about a dozen wires of yellow, green, blue, red and black were attached to my head and I looked like a psychodelic dred-locked predator sitting on the edge of the bed, Darrin placed a circular shaped piece of wire over my nose and mouth which drooped wires down each cheek and over both ears, attached behind my head and dangled down my back. Add one elastic belt around my chest, one elastic belt around my waist and one more wire just below my left boob. Attach wires to the elastic belts and one more wire to my right index finger and then plug all 16 or so wires to an electronic box beside the bed and it's time to sleep.....riiight. Darrin explained that most of these studies were conducted in two days, one day for monitoring the sleep and the next day for sleeping with the machine attached to you to see if it helps the problem. Mine was scheduled for one night so I would have to fall asleep quickly to get it all done in time. So I had Darrin turn off the TV and the lights and I laid back on the pillow, a Predator in bed.
Although I didn't look at the time it must have been after 11pm when my head hit the pillow. I laid on my back with wires cascading off my head and over my chest then down the side of the bed and eventually into the machine which would monitor me while I slept, if I slept. I felt like a dead man in his casket, lying as straight as a board with my hands on my chest. I didn't want to move for fear of disturbing some of the wires with the goop and the tape. I'd hate to have to be re-gooped after he spent all that time gooping me to begin with. The hours passed, I flexed my hands and my legs were begging to be moved. I stayed on my back for what seemed like hours before I had to try to move to my side before I rigomortis set in. I chose to roll toward the wires so I didn't pull them out of my head or the machine. About half a roll and I decided that was enough. I laid there half on my back half on my side and thought I'd never go to sleep. I flexed my toes and tried to breathe deeply when the door opened and bright light smacked me in the face. Darrin walked in and said, "Your wife was right." I had no idea what he meant, and only half an idea where I was at the time so I said something that sounded like a caveman grunt and he said, "You do snore and stop breathing. My friend and I were standing just outside your door and you were snoring loud." I don't even remember being asleep and I think I must have thought it outloud because Darrin said, "You fell right asleep and were sleeping for about two hours, and now I'm going to connect you to the machine and let you go back to sleep."
Wow, I had only been there for two hours? It felt like forever that I was on my back trying not to move a muscle, and with every muscle aching to be moved. Darrin told me that this machine was like a ceiling fan in a bow, all it did was blow air a gentle strem of constant air designed to keep your nasal passages open and prevent snoring allowing me to go into deep sleep and get some much needed rest. It was to fit over my nose and I was to keep my mouth shut. I thought to myself, this machine will never work. I always end up breathing out of my mouth at night because my nose gets so congested it is practicaly closed every morning. That gentle stream of air is going to bounce off my boogers and look for another way out, ha. He tried to wrap the elastic face mask around my head but it wouldn't attach in the back. I remember him saying, "You've got a big head." He readjusted and was just able to click the face mask in place. A little more loosening and I was set to go. Unfortunately he hadn't removed any of the wires so if I didn't resemble a Borg before, I surely did now as I lay back down in my dead man's position and got ready to not sleep the rest of the night.
The gentle stream of air felt like an oxygen river flowing up my nostrils and I opened my mouth causing a circle of airflow that dried my throat and tounge. Mental note, leave your mouth shut. Easier said than done. Breathing in was easy, the machine did that for me. It seemed that I had more air in my lungs than I have ever had before. It was breathing out that was the challenge as each escaping breath had to swim back upstream towards that relentless but gentle stream of air. Darth Vader had an easier time inside his mask than I did in this apparatus.
Finally I mastered the art of exhaling upstream and although my lips would let out a small flatulating sound every once in a while I was able to keep my mouth shut for the most part.
After what seemed like 10 minutes or so, Darrin came back into the room and said, "How do you feel?" I looked at him like he was stupid so he added, "You fell right asleep again and you've been in a good deep sleep for four hours." I said, "Wow." Then I thought, why in the world did you wake me then you idiot. He turned on the lights and said I was done with the test. It was 5am and I felt good. I sat on the edge of the bed as he ripped the pieces of tape from my chest and face, saving the hair for last i noticed. He informed me that this might hurt and ripped the tape from my head, taking hunks of hair with each tug. I still had sticky goop making my hair stand up in many places and I wished I had a camera to share the moment with everyone.
Darrin told me I was the perfect candidate for the air machine and he would schedule a meeting with the doctor for me. I could get dressed and go home. It was 5am and I had an hour drive in front of me. Would I fall asleep? Not! I felt fine, not tired at all. I might look like the bride of Darth Vader but bring on the machine, I can't wait for another good night's sleep.
We made an appointment for Friday night and I met a guy named Darrin, the Doctors assistant, at the hospital in Webster at 9pm. He was busy with another patient so I sat in the room watching the Astros as I waited for him to return. The Astros won the game in the bottom of the 9th with a ground rule double by Tejada and a single to center by Hunter Pence...nice! Darrin returned to the room and said that I could go ahead and get ready to sleep by changing or using the restroom, whatever I needed, and he again left me alone. I changed and sat down to read. At about 10:30pm he returned and had me sit on the bed while he got the equipment ready to monitor me while I slept. The first thing he did was take what he called "liquid sandpaper" and scrubbed different spots on my head, face and chest to attach the wires to. Then he took one end of each colorful wire and coated it in some sort of goop and stuck it to the spots he previously scrubbed. After scrubbing my skin off, gooping the wire and smashing it onto my head, he then proceeded to cut small pieces of medical tape and stick it to my head as well, covering whatever hairs were nearby and making me think of how it would feel when the mixture of tape and goop were removed in the morning.
After about a dozen wires of yellow, green, blue, red and black were attached to my head and I looked like a psychodelic dred-locked predator sitting on the edge of the bed, Darrin placed a circular shaped piece of wire over my nose and mouth which drooped wires down each cheek and over both ears, attached behind my head and dangled down my back. Add one elastic belt around my chest, one elastic belt around my waist and one more wire just below my left boob. Attach wires to the elastic belts and one more wire to my right index finger and then plug all 16 or so wires to an electronic box beside the bed and it's time to sleep.....riiight. Darrin explained that most of these studies were conducted in two days, one day for monitoring the sleep and the next day for sleeping with the machine attached to you to see if it helps the problem. Mine was scheduled for one night so I would have to fall asleep quickly to get it all done in time. So I had Darrin turn off the TV and the lights and I laid back on the pillow, a Predator in bed.
Although I didn't look at the time it must have been after 11pm when my head hit the pillow. I laid on my back with wires cascading off my head and over my chest then down the side of the bed and eventually into the machine which would monitor me while I slept, if I slept. I felt like a dead man in his casket, lying as straight as a board with my hands on my chest. I didn't want to move for fear of disturbing some of the wires with the goop and the tape. I'd hate to have to be re-gooped after he spent all that time gooping me to begin with. The hours passed, I flexed my hands and my legs were begging to be moved. I stayed on my back for what seemed like hours before I had to try to move to my side before I rigomortis set in. I chose to roll toward the wires so I didn't pull them out of my head or the machine. About half a roll and I decided that was enough. I laid there half on my back half on my side and thought I'd never go to sleep. I flexed my toes and tried to breathe deeply when the door opened and bright light smacked me in the face. Darrin walked in and said, "Your wife was right." I had no idea what he meant, and only half an idea where I was at the time so I said something that sounded like a caveman grunt and he said, "You do snore and stop breathing. My friend and I were standing just outside your door and you were snoring loud." I don't even remember being asleep and I think I must have thought it outloud because Darrin said, "You fell right asleep and were sleeping for about two hours, and now I'm going to connect you to the machine and let you go back to sleep."
Wow, I had only been there for two hours? It felt like forever that I was on my back trying not to move a muscle, and with every muscle aching to be moved. Darrin told me that this machine was like a ceiling fan in a bow, all it did was blow air a gentle strem of constant air designed to keep your nasal passages open and prevent snoring allowing me to go into deep sleep and get some much needed rest. It was to fit over my nose and I was to keep my mouth shut. I thought to myself, this machine will never work. I always end up breathing out of my mouth at night because my nose gets so congested it is practicaly closed every morning. That gentle stream of air is going to bounce off my boogers and look for another way out, ha. He tried to wrap the elastic face mask around my head but it wouldn't attach in the back. I remember him saying, "You've got a big head." He readjusted and was just able to click the face mask in place. A little more loosening and I was set to go. Unfortunately he hadn't removed any of the wires so if I didn't resemble a Borg before, I surely did now as I lay back down in my dead man's position and got ready to not sleep the rest of the night.
The gentle stream of air felt like an oxygen river flowing up my nostrils and I opened my mouth causing a circle of airflow that dried my throat and tounge. Mental note, leave your mouth shut. Easier said than done. Breathing in was easy, the machine did that for me. It seemed that I had more air in my lungs than I have ever had before. It was breathing out that was the challenge as each escaping breath had to swim back upstream towards that relentless but gentle stream of air. Darth Vader had an easier time inside his mask than I did in this apparatus.
Finally I mastered the art of exhaling upstream and although my lips would let out a small flatulating sound every once in a while I was able to keep my mouth shut for the most part.
After what seemed like 10 minutes or so, Darrin came back into the room and said, "How do you feel?" I looked at him like he was stupid so he added, "You fell right asleep again and you've been in a good deep sleep for four hours." I said, "Wow." Then I thought, why in the world did you wake me then you idiot. He turned on the lights and said I was done with the test. It was 5am and I felt good. I sat on the edge of the bed as he ripped the pieces of tape from my chest and face, saving the hair for last i noticed. He informed me that this might hurt and ripped the tape from my head, taking hunks of hair with each tug. I still had sticky goop making my hair stand up in many places and I wished I had a camera to share the moment with everyone.
Darrin told me I was the perfect candidate for the air machine and he would schedule a meeting with the doctor for me. I could get dressed and go home. It was 5am and I had an hour drive in front of me. Would I fall asleep? Not! I felt fine, not tired at all. I might look like the bride of Darth Vader but bring on the machine, I can't wait for another good night's sleep.
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